Its Our Life

Her by Me March 16th

All of a sudden I forgot who I was. I didn’t want anything but to know who I was. But I was more confused by the fact that this one girl didn’t like me and I was ready to change myself. But she didn’t know me. I would never just change for anyone and I didn’t know why I was going to do it for this one person. Did I love her? That’s impossible we’ve never even formally mate unless you count smiling from across a room. She only knows me from want her friends tell her about me. But can you love someone just for who they are? Maybe I loved her like a sister. My whole life I’ve always wanted to be a perfect brother. Be who my sister’s wanted me be to. I remember when I was small if I did something or acted like something stupid or something they didn’t like, they would ignore me for weeks. Pretend I wasn’t there and that would annoy be so much because all I wanted was their love. This girl wasn’t like anyone I’ve ever met. She was beautiful and smart. Funny and caring. Determined and willing. She was everything you wanted in a girl, in a sister. Her eyes were true and when she looked at you she would really look into your eyes. When she smiles, she would make the whole world smile back. Her body was perfect with all the right curves in all the right places. I wanted her to talk to me. I wanted her to know me. I wanted her to like me. I wanted her. Every time she was around me I would try to go up to her and she would see me and smile, but than one of her friends would just but in and I wouldn’t get my chance. I felt like she wanted to talk to me, but being the boy in this whole situation I obviously had to make the first move. What could I do?

One night I was so depressed about not being with her, my friends took me out to a nightclub. I really didn’t feel like going but I also didn’t want to stay at home, where I would probably be constantly reminded of how much I wanted her. We enter the nightclub and I’m looking around just to see who’s here tonight. And than across the room at a 35-degree angle, I see her. She looked so beautiful. Than I saw her friend, and I knew I should given up right there and than. So my friends bought me a drink and tried to find other girls for me to talk to but I didn’t want anyone else but her. I tried really hard not to look at her because I knew it would make me more depressed. But once and I while I would look in her direction to make sure their was no other guy going her way, because I told myself if I saw one I would jump in front of him before he could even get a word in. Next thing I knew, I was being a wingman for my best friend Paul. He also really liked this girl but he had the guts to talk to her. Than one minute we are talking about how good Paul is at football, the next their making out right in front of me I needed to get out. I couldn’t take being alone in a room where no one was alone but me. I started walking towards the door. Ready to leave. But someone stop me in my path. I couldn’t see who it is because it was the climax of the song and most of the lights were down. “Hey! Want to dance?” the person in front of me asks. I was waiting for the light to turn on so I could know who it was before I answer. All I knew was it was a girl, but what girl. When the lights were about to come on she took my hand and brought me to the dance floor. It was her. I couldn’t believe it. What was happening? We dance for three songs straight. Her body against mines the whole time. From looking at each other to her back again my chest. I was so happy that we finally met. I tried really hard to focus on dancing and trying to remember every single part of it. Finally I got the nerves to say; “Hey want to get some air.” She just smiled and nodded. Now it was my turn. I took her soft hand and started walking towards the door. I didn’t care about what her friends were probably telling her and I didn’t look at my friends because they would make me laugh. I had her with me right know in my hands and I knew she wasn’t going anywhere. When we got outside we walk around the block a little to be able to hear each other. When I finally faced her she was still smiling. She was so beautiful. I was so grateful for the occasional wind so I could smell her perfume. “I don’t think we’ve properly met. I’m Luke.” I tried so hard to stay cool and know exactly what I was doing. “I’m July.” We started talking about basic topics. Where do you go to school? What grade? How old are you? Any siblings? Any animals? Than she said than we better get back inside before our friends start to worry. So we exchanged numbers and promised that we would hangout. She started walking towards the door. “July, wait.” She turned around and I pulled her close against my body. She was a perfect height compared to me, because our lips where not far from each other. I looked into her eye and she looked into mine. We were going to kiss I knew it and I couldn’t stop smiling and neither could her. But I couldn’t look away from her eyes. Than, she kissed me. It took me by surprise at first, but than I knew what was going on and starting kissing back. It was everything I imagined it would be. When she finally pulled away, even though I knew she didn’t want to and she knew I didn’t either, we walked back in the nightclub hand in hand smiling like crazy. It was the best night I could image. 

Last Moments by Me March 13th

Have you ever felt so down on yourself that you never want to move from your bed again. All you think about is how much you missed up. How much everyone hates you for what you did, what you said. How mad you are at yourself. How you have no other thoughts but hatred towards yourself. I think that was the lowest point I have ever been. I just hated myself for even thinking that my parents would love me for being myself. That my parent would be thankful to have a daughter that was being rewarded for how hard she works in school. They usually were grateful, but this time was different. They never congratulated me. They never told me how proud they were of me for completing something so special, for trying to achieve the unimaginative and succeed. All I remember after that was playing the same song over and over again. I remember wanting the song to stick in my mind forever. Ever lyrics in that song related to what I was feeling at any moment in the day. All I thought about was how much I hated myself for believing in myself. All I could think about was how mad I was for making people believe in me. I remember falling asleep to that song and waking up with it still playing. I remember listening to the song and sometimes I would cry, sometimes I would be angry, and other times I would just be numb. I remember not being able to feel anything. I remember not being able to look at my parent or myself. Nothing was the same anymore and it was my fault. How could I change this? I would constantly think to myself. How can I make things go back to the way their were before this happened, before I was so stupid? These actions continued till the moment I could not take myself anymore. This feeling of hatred towards myself has happened to me before. Where I just shut the whole world out and reflexed on myself, reflexed on my actions. Usually I would get out of these droughts within a few days. But this time was different. There was no thought in my mind that make me feel any matter. Nothing I was going to tell myself was going to change my mind. I felt like I was going to hate myself forever. All I wanted to do was listen to that song. I would listen to it word for word. I never wanted it to leave my mind. I never wanted to think about anything else, because if I did I would start to destroy myself from the inside. Someone that it hurting outside can always be healed but the challenge is when they are hurting from the inside. Nothing was making any sense to me. I did not understand the world anymore. I start to dread being alive. I did not understand why I should be alive. Everything was falling apart around me. My friends stop trying to help. My family had stop long ago. No doctor wanted to take the challenge to help me, because they knew how I would end up. There was no hope left in me. Towards the end I would remember happy moments with my friends in school at the lunch table laughing. I started remembering the moments my family showed how much they loved me. And that is when I start to crumble. I wanted those memories to become a reality. But I knew that was too big of a dream. I had put myself to far down this drought that the hope of getting out was dreadful. I could not live like this anymore. I still remember in my last moments I thought about all the good in my life. All the wonderful thing I thought of myself and the wonderful things others thought of me. But I had already convinced myself to jump off that ledge and there was no way out. 

March 5ft

Dear anyone, 

Welcome to this blog. I know you do not know me, but I think I should still welcome you. Now to introduce myself … Firstly I am not going to tell you my real name, or where I live, because number one, it’s the fuckin Internet, and number two, you can use your imagination and image me anywhere you’d like. As for my name, I am July to you. Why would I name myself July, you would ask … because if I ever had a girl I would name her July.  I am like any other teenage. I like sleeping and doing nothing. I love food (especially dessert or anything with chocolate). I hate my parents too sometimes, but I do have a pretty amazing family, so I do love them a lot and appreciate them. I have my own problems. I have my own stress. I have drugs in my life. I have sex in my life. I have drinking in my life. Just like any other teenager. I think what probably makes me different from other teenagers, is probably that I like to listen. I love helping people with their own problems. Yah, maybe I am not going through exactly what you are, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t or will in the future or can’t help you. Listening is helping. Sometimes you just got to get something off your chess to feel better. Sometimes you just need to tell a stranger.

I hope you enjoy reading this blog, and I’m sorry for offending anyone in advance, and if there is any spelling mistake I’m also sorry in advance. Enjoys! 

July